No, it, uh, alternates between this and historical documentaries.
- Really? - No. Just this.
Okay, I just have to get the perfect place.
Yes.
Your friend will be with you shortly.
Thank you. Oh, wait, don't you wanna stay? This is a really good one.
Pepé tries to kiss Penelope Pussycat, but then he falls off the boat.
You forgot to say "spoiler alert."
You are my peanut and I am your brittle.
- Ooh. - I'm Susan Johnson, your fiancée.
- That's the problem, actually. - Come on.
No. I'm getting up here, but this is not complicité.
- I'm just helping you to get dressed. - Saving yourself for marriage?
More the divorce, to be honest.
Susan, my buttons.
How much have you had to drink?
- Glasses? Bottles. Okay. - Ha, ha.
We are now in an area of my expertise.
You are very drunk. You need to sleep it off.
- Close that. That's good. Good. Don't... - Oh, that's... That's nice.
- Try not to speak any words. - Mm-hm.
Shh. Shut up.
No, you're not a sexy cat. You're not a sexy cat. Stop that.
I'm a bad kitty.
You're not a bad kitty, you're a sleepy lunatic.
I'm a bad kitty. I need to have my whiskers licked.
There are no circumstances under which I'd do that to a cat.
Go to sleep. That's enough of that. Stop it. Get... Ow!
No! Unh. Ow!
So this must be a fun job.
Yes, it has its moments.
Like trying to protect Arthur from people with dubious intentions.
Hmm.
Oh, you mean me.
Because I'm totally after the money, if that's what you're thinking.
How is the illegal tour guide business going?
Feeds my dad.
But I'm actually writing a book. A children's book.
It was Arthur's idea.
Well, make sure there are lots of pictures, otherwise he won't understand it.
I think Arthur understands more than you realize.
So, Hobson, are there any men in your life?
Are you attempting to make small talk with me?
I am attempting it. Is it working?
- No, not really. - Darn it.
So?
Any man I've ever met...
...pales in comparison to the dazzling floor show that is Arthur's company.
I know you were being sarcastic just then...
...but it really is quite dazzling.
All is fair in love and war, eh, darling?
Do you think he's okay?
Ow! Ow!
- Bad horse. - Ow! That's not erotic. It just hurts.
No. Susan. Stop it. You can't do that.
Horses and cats can't mate. Our children will be monsters.
Hobson, it's not what it looks like. Unless it looks like a cat raping a horse.
Arthur.
- What's happening? - Oh.
What has happened to me?
I think the problem is your clothes are made of metal...
...and my bed is made of magnets.
- Oh, you think so? - Right. Okay. Uh, stay calm, kitty.
I'm not a cat anymore. I am a businesswoman.
I think I have a remote control. Excuse me.
- Uh... Ah, right. I've got the remote. - Get me off of here!
Okay, I'm coming. I'm gonna... Ah, got it.
- What are you doing? - Okay, it's not that, obviously.
Uh, on the bright side, at least something in this room is attracted to you.
For the love of God.
Maybe this.
- Oh, are you all right? - Not that.
I'm not gonna press this anymore...
...because if I press the wrong button, the bed could fall and kill you.
Which none of us would want. None of us.
I've gotta go and get Hobson. She knows how this works.
Oh, you are a useless man. You can't do anything without that miserable old woman.
There you are.
That was a lot of primping.
Oh, ha, yeah, yeah. Primping. Yeah, primping.
Yeah, it's primpalicious, though, isn't it? The results.
He's a primpanzee.
Sorry about this noise. I think it's, um... It's the bloody neighbors.
- Neighbors? - Well, I think I'll retire now.
Good night, Hobson.
Ahem. Hobson. Um, thank you for everything.
I did it for her.
I don't want that poor girl humiliated.
- You like her, don't you? She's lovely. - Just be a grown-up for once, Arthur.
Okay.
Oh, um, could you detach the half-naked businesswoman from under my bed?
Sorry.
Good night, Hobson.
Goodbye, Naomi.
Not a bad back yard.
Yes, except whenever I sunbathe nude, I get the strangest looks.
Oh, you're that guy.
- Are you a bit chilly? - Oh, yes.
- Would you like...? - Thank you.
Ahem, here.
- Is this your father's? "Gerald Bach." - It is.
Well, it was. I had some of his suits re-tailored to fit me.
It seemed silly to throw them away.
- Mm. - Oh.
"Why bother taking care of yourself?"
Ha, ha. Yeah. Just have fun.
- Well, you seem to have a lot of fun. - It's my calling.
I found a free thing to show you. It's this way.
- Come with me. Come on. - Okay.
In my mind, this is the pond from a book I had when I was a kid...
...called Frog and Toad Together.
I love Frog and Toad. My mom used to read them to me all the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
My mom subcontracted that job to Hobson.
There's a really sad one where Toad freaks out...
...because he sees Frog sitting alone on a rock.
So he swims out to him with a picnic, but then it falls in the water.
"Our lunch is spoiled.
I made it for you, Frog, so you'd be happy."
But Frog wasn't sad.
"When I woke up, I felt good...
...because the sun was shining. I felt good because I was a frog."
And I felt good because I have you for a friend.
If you were sitting alone, I'd bring you a sandwich.
I'll sit alone, then.
"And Frog and Toad stayed on the island all afternoon.
They ate wet sandwiches without iced tea.
They were two close friends sitting alone together."
I couldn't tell her, Hobson.
She's my Toad.
Oh, bollocks.
Listen, Arthur, I'm sure Naomi is a very nice girl...
...but you can't live without the money.
How do you know?
Please. You can't go half an hour without buying another sports car.
When I was little you used to say:
"Arthur, you can do anything under the sun."
I never spoke like that.
It was a bit like that.
That was before you paid Elton John $2 million...
...to sing over the PA in a grocery store.
Yeah, well, it was Easter.
- I think I could live without the money. - Oh, yes? How?
I'd get a job.
- Ha! - What?
Fine. Fine. Go ahead. Get a job.
I am a grown man...
...and I shall join the mature world of gainful employment to prove it.
Don't let that undermine what I just said.
- Do you know how to use Excel? - No.
- PowerPoint? - No.
- Outlook. - Generally positive. You know, I mean...
- ...I have down days like anyone, but... - It's a program.
Oh, um, no.
Can you file?
- File? - Yes.
In a?
No.
There must be something I can do.
Hey!
And so, this is how you simply sign on...
...and that unlocks the register.
Now, you clock in, employee number, password and the register's yours.
This, uh, might seem a bit much for my first day...
...but could I inquire as to the possibility of a transfer...
...to the costume-greeter department?
I think I'd thrive.
No. Let's just start with the register for you.
I've got my own costume, if that helps.
Nope, doesn't really make a difference. No.
Register. So I've cleared it.
Go ahead and enter your employee number and log in.
- Okay. You just hit a lot of random keys. - Well, that's what you did, in fairness.
- It says "invalid key." - Yes. Invalid key.
That means that I need to reset this.
This may take a moment. Would you mind just stepping right over...?
How did he get that job, exactly? What is he, the owner? The son of the owner?
- You can't do it, and you never will. - Never?
That's harsh.
I've entered your employee number and... Oh.
Want some?
- I think you should take the day off. - As a reward?
Tomorrow we'll find something more suitable for you.
I think what he's doing is derivative.
Oh, the moon really is following me.
Would you stop going on about the moon following you?
He's lunar.
He's clearly a pervert.
Arthur? There've been some reports of staff members eating on the floor.
Do you know anything about that?
Um, no.
No, I don't know anything about that, Peter.
You know, I think it's not appropriate for you to be on the floor.
We should find something for you in the stock room.
Excuse me.
If I gave you $10,000...
...would you let me wear this costume for one hour?
Hello. Welcome to the store. May all your dreams come true.
Free candy! Here you go, kids!
I'm a lovely bear. Grr.
Sorry. Sorry. I'm not a genuine bear.
Here, listen, you take this with you.
If you leave very quickly, security won't have an opportunity to ascertain you.
- Go. Try not to look suspicious. - Arthur?
- Hello. - What are you doing?
Peter, I can explain everything.
I've got one. I'm okay.
Arthur.
- May I have a word with you? - Is that word "promotion"?
One apocalyptic hangover, no job.
Congratulations, Arthur.
The employment market is a vortex.
"Aquarium needs help cleaning tanks. Swim with the fishes."
That is a Mob threat.
None of these jobs make any sense at all.
"Systems integration professional."
Would anyone do it as an amateur?
Would anyone approach systems integration...
...as a hobby for fun on a Saturday afternoon instead of flying a kite?
Who is integrating systems for their own amusement?
Hobson.
I think in order to do this...
...I may have to be a little more sober.
What do you think?
To, you know, preserve my anonymity.
You're right, it would be a shame to jeopardize...
...such a distinguished public profile.
I stole from my friends, my family.
I sold my son's tricycle so I could score some junk.
- Jesus. - I was so drunk once...
...I backed my car over my mother outside Walgreens.
Thirty-seven days sober.
But sometimes, it's just so hard.
Like I'm in this grave...
Whoa, this is depressing. It's like unhappy hour.
- Shh. - It is. I don't like it in here.
This is making me want to drink more.
Sir, you need to wait till the end of the meeting. Go on, James.
It's okay. I'm done.
And you are?
My name is...
...Gandalf.
Hi, Gandalf.
Hello.
And I came here because I'd like to drink a bit less. Not give it up altogether.
Maybe 5, 10 percent cut down. Reasonable.
Look, I'm sorry. No one's gonna convince me that my life isn't fun, okay?
And forgive my crassness...
...but if I ran my mother over, I'd be out celebrating with booze.
Which is what I plan to do right now.
Cheerio.
Excuse me. Hobson.
My name is Lillian and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Lillian.
Good afternoon.
I'm rich. I'm fabulously rich.
I'm also generous and kindhearted.
My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time.
Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life?
Oh, sure, it all looks very wild from the outside.
Do you know, I once went to bed with three European princesses at the same time.
But, A, I can't remember anything about it...
...and, B, apparently, I vomited on two of them...
...before losing control of my bladder on the third.
Oh, yes, all such fun.
Until the fog parts, and suddenly there's a hole so big...
...that all the vintage champagne and the Batmobiles in the world won't fill it.
And then? Well, then, I'm all alone on my magnetic bed...
...wondering what venereal disease I've just caught.
Always the quiet ones.
This is itchy.
That was really lovely what you said in there about me.
Now, if you could just do the drinking for me, I think we'd have this thing cracked.
- Vivienne. - Yes?
Don't make me do this, please.
I'm not the one with a choice.
You can walk away any time you like.
There's a simple solution to all of this, Arthur.
Marry Susan and cheat with the nobody from Queens.
Hello, Naomi's dad. Is your daughter here?
Her name is Naomi. Just clear up any confusion.
It's a little late, but I wasn't sleeping myself. Come in, come in.
Arthur?
Oh, hello, Naomi.
You may wanna sit down.
Or lay down.
Although I prefer you stayed awake, because this is important.
What is it?
I'm engaged to another Susan.
Woman. Another Susan woman.
You're engaged?
I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I meant to before.
You meant to tell me that you were engaged to another woman.
- I was gonna get Hobson to do it... - Oh, my God. Arthur.
- Who do you think you are? - Naomi.
I'm not saying I think I'm Naomi. You are.
Why else would you be wearing her pajamas.
I didn't mean for this to happen, but then I started falling for you.
And I thought, "Oh, no. I'm falling for Naomi...
...and I have to marry Susan woman or I'll lose the money."
Let me get this straight. You don't wanna marry this woman.
- Susan woman. - But you're going to...
...because you're scared of losing the money?
- Yeah, see, I'm trapped by the money. - Oh, you're trapped by the money.
Oh, okay. Well, we should probably start a telethon.
And then people could call in and relieve you from this horrible money.
If you think it would help.
Naomi, Naomi, Naomi, please.
You're the most special person...
...that I have ever... - What, lied to?
I was gonna say "met."
Am I the most special person you ever made this for?
Who makes a PEZ dispenser of somebody's head...
...when they're engaged to someone else?
Admittedly, we're a small demographic.
Stop joking.
Okay. Let me run this up the flag pole.
What if I were to install a secret door?
It leads to an apartment. And you live in that.
On the other side of that door, I'm married to Susan.
That's not ideal. But on the bright side, I assure you it's entirely sexless.
What...? Naomi, don't leave, Naomi.
This is my apartment, Arthur. You have to leave.
This is for you.
For your dad. For your writing career.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand dollars.
- I thought a million would be vulgar. - We don't want your money.
Could you leave?
Can I just stay here for a minute, please?
Why?
Because it will reduce the proportion of my life that I spend feeling utterly miserable.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Closet.
And back, two, three. Front, two, three.
Back. And here we turn.
This is gonna be our first dance as husband and wife.
At least you could just try to smile.
Sorry.
And I apologize for leaving you attached to that magnetic bed.
Oh.
Someone's coming to his senses. Finally.
Good. Now, under the arm.
Hobson.
Hobson!
Hobson. I've just spotted Orphan Annie as a man.
Orphan Mannie!
Bitterman. What are you doing in my bathroom? We discussed this.
Hobson left me in charge. She went back to bed. She had a headache.
- Hobson's got a headache? - Yes, sir.
How did she say it? What did she say?
"Bitterman, I'm going to bed. I have a headache."
She sort of said it like that, all broken up and staccato?
Pretty much, sir.
- Solely on their mother...
...for food, shelter and safety. This mother bear has no...
- What's the matter? Why are you in bed? - Arthur, put my bears back on.
There'll be no bears until you tell me what's the matter.
I'm traveling down this white tunnel.
There's a garden at the end.
Who's that red gentleman with a pitchfork? Why is it so hot in here?
Stop being childish.
Sorry.
Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell you. Will you sit down?
Listen...
...there are three books.
Take them back to the library.
Oh, Hobson, please don't die anymore. It's getting very boring.
What about you? You look a bit lost today.
Naomi won't talk to me.
Oh, I am sorry. It's a shame she wouldn't come to an agreement.
Little tart like that would've saved you a fortune in prostitutes.
How dare you talk about Naomi like that. She's one of the finest people I know.
I employ you to support me.
I don't pay you to make snide comments about my friends. Remember that.
You're just Mary Poppins with menopause.
Delightful to see you, Hobson. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Well, it's this marriage, Vivienne.
I'm very excited for Arthur. I'm worried for him too.
Are you, now?
Look, he has attempted gainful employment and he even went to AA.
- It didn't last very long, but I have hopes... - AA?
There's this girl. I think she's inspiring him to...
- He's getting married. - Yes, but is it right for him, Vivienne?
Arthur does have other issues.
And whose fault is that?
Well, I'm so sorry to have wasted your valuable time.
He needs this, Lillian, he's weak.
He's stronger than you think.
Who was that?
Um...
Hobson is in my house.
Surprisingly, I am.
Well, don't be intimidated by the space. We don't use all the rooms.
You got that, McKenzie? Thank you.
Why am I stuck here in this room?
I'm not the bride I'm the bloody groom
Isn't he charming?
It's the sweetest thing.
Oh. Oh, McKenzie, this is stunning.
Ooh.
- No metal. - Very nice.
Just don't leave me for a minute
Or you'll come home and find me in it
I just made that up. That just came to me.
Here.
Oh. Love these. The grape shears. Look, Arthur.
Grape shears, what an innovation
You can use them for my castration
Because she does that. I've been... I've been horribly emasculated.
Arthur misses you desperately.
Has he asked you to go on a tour of all of the girls that he misses?
No, he's far too decent to be involved in anything as tawdry as this.
As what?
As my plea not to give up on him.
You really look after him, don't you?
Yes, I do. And it's a job that I recommend highly.
A, um, taste of England.
Oh. Oh, lovely.
As, I believe, you look after this gentleman.
Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but Arthur is getting married.
Naomi, if there's one thing an old woman can recognize it's a young man in love.
How's that tea?
Like sewage.
- I'm so sorry. - Uh, are you okay?
Thank you. Thanks, ladies, for such a lovely afternoon. These are gorgeous.
- Arthur, hasn't it been...? - Cheers. Thank you.
Thank you, ladies. Thank you.
I'll be here all week. And for the rest of my bloody life.
Hey. Hello.
What?
It's just a headache.
Hold on. You've been having tests for months. The doctor told me on the phone.
Oh, bother snaps.
Well, what do doctors know anyway?
I think they're usually really well qualified, Hobson. Why didn't you mention this?
I'm sorry. It's just I didn't want to worry you.
Well, now I am worried.
But forget the worry and enjoy this extravagant gesture!
Look at those bears. I love them.
- The biggest ones in the shop. - Can I have one?
That's part of a display. They didn't wanna sell that one.
Put this on, please.
I'm not putting that on.
Put it on or the bears will be incinerated.
Humiliating.
- You look really dignified. - Mm.
How much did you waste on this?
They're very reasonable, actually.
- Uh, so say, "Wash your winkie." - Wash your winkie.
Say, "If you have to pay them, it's not love."
If you have to pay, it's not love.
Ha! You do one, you do one.
Could you do Sammy Davis, Jr?
Sammy Davis, Jr. Is not to do with that costume.
- I like Sammy. - What's the point in that?
I see you've decided not to grow up.
Yeah, I already decided not to bother.
- Where's Naomi? - Outside. Do you wanna see her?
You see her for me, will you?
How is she?
All she'll tell me is she's got a headache. No one else will tell me anything...
...because we're not family. - That's hospitals.
Why was she at your house?
Hobson and I hang out all the time. We go shoplifting every Wednesday. Bergdorf's.
That's a good time to do it. Hardly any security.
She was worried about you.
Hey, how's the writing going?
It's really good, actually.
I sold my book.
Congratulations, that's such fantastic news. You deserve that.
When you found out, did you do a scream?
I did. I went:
- Only louder. - Right.
Yeah. I mean, a scream is defined by its vocal quality to some degree.
I've been really angry at you.
And I've been rehearsing in my head what I was gonna say to you if I saw you again.
And it was gonna start with, "Hi, Arthur."
That's conventional.
And then I was gonna get into a lot of really mean stuff.
And it was gonna be directed at you in a very pointed way because you lied to me.
But then I would run out of steam eventually and I'd say, begrudgingly:
"Thank you for encouraging me with my writing."
And then I would get very serious and I'd look at you in the eyes and I would say:
"Arthur...
...you have a problem."
I'm glad that was hypothetical because that would be really hard to hear.
How is Hobson?
Ah. Well...
Naomi, this is Susan...
...my fiancée.
And, uh, Susan, this is Naomi.
It's nice to finally meet you.
That is like a medium-size ice rink.
And ice rink. That's what I said, but I said for mice. Because it's small.
- You're a tour guide, right? - Yep.
Well, actually, Susan, Naomi's a writer. She's being published.
Oh, well, congratulations. Who's gonna publish your book?
- Doesn't matter, does it? - Uh, Painted Wagon Press.
- They're all the same. - Ha, ha, Painted Wagon Press.
That name sounds familiar. Sorry, I can't think of...
Why might that name sound so familiar to me?
Can you help me with that? Why I might know that name?
No, Susan, I can't.
Oh.
It's coming to me. Bach Worldwide just acquired them.
You should've come to me about that. I could've made you a better deal.
But why would you buy them?
So you could tell them to publish my book.
Thank you.
What'd you do that for?
I just did her a favor.
Naomi, wait.
Wait.
I didn't think I was ever gonna see you again, and I think you're talented...
I thought other people thought that I was talented.
I thought that I had earned it. I thought that I had earned it.
And that felt really good. I like that. I like earning something.
And I know that you don't know what that feels like, but it's great.
You should try it sometime.
Ow, ow, ow.
I cut my hand. There's blood in those.
Actually, um, don't eat them because of the blood.
Hobson, how does this bag of tea work?
Do you tear the top off or you use this to cut in? How?
No, you put the whole bag in the pot.
- Just put the whole bag in? - Mm. With water. Hot water.
- Brilliant. - But not out of the tap.
- From a...? - Kettle.
Brilliant. Perfect.
Be careful of that plate. It's gonna be very, very...
Oh, God, no!
- Hot.
I think I was better off in the hospital.
Bon appétit.
Actually, my medication makes me sufficiently nauseous.
You're forever pestering me about change...
...and you're afraid to eat a little bowl of spaghetti circles. Come along.
Please let me look after you.
Quite nice.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- It's not unpleasant, is it? - Well, it is unpleasant...
- Ha. ...but it's quite nice.
I'm a genius in there.
Mother bear will care for her cubs...
...for up to two years.
Lovely.
Come on, come on, come on.
- No. Not like this. - Aah! Ha-ha-ha.
You've got so much to give.
Have you called her, Arthur?
No.
Have you ever been in love, Hobson?
Yes, I was once.
Yes, in London. He was from Spain.
He asked me to go there with him.
You were nearly 3.
What happened?
Two days before I was due to leave...
I had my bags all packed.
- Your father died.
You should've gone. I would've understood.
It was too late.
I loved you.
Why have you never told me?
I didn't want you to feel bad.
- Why are you telling me now? - I want you to feel bad.
So this is what it's like to go to bed at 9:00.
Yes.
Isn't it wicked?
Hmm, Hobson.
I had a bad dream.
Hobson?
Hobson, stop mucking about.
You can't see a tunnel of light and red pitchfork.
I'm not gonna take those three books back to the library.
Hobson?
Nurse!
Bitterman?
We're gonna have a party.
I'm tired of being sad now.
Bitterman, what are you doing?
I'm trying to cheer you up, Mr. Bach.
Is it working?
Not yet.
How about now?
You have to do something funny. You can't just stand there.
- Just say something incongruous or pithy. - Okay.
Today's your wedding day, Mr. Bach.
Well, that's it. I'm gonna drown myself.
Mr. Bach?
Mr. Bach? Where'd you go?
Lovely to see you. Hello.
Chancellor.
- I am so delighted you're here. - Oh, thank you.
I think you'll be very, very pleasantly surprised. Enjoy yourself.
The groom is here.
Ah. I gather the groom has arrived.
Bitterman. Bitterman.
Please. I'm getting married today.
But you were in there too long.
- Oh, God. She's here. - You're late. Was I not clear?
Don't... Don't... Don't blame Bitterman.
He had a hell of a struggle getting me out of the bath.
Coffee. Now.
Good idea. I'll have one too.
I'm a bit drunk.
Okay.
The good news is you're here and you're not wearing a cape.
Proud day for you, Viv?
I have guests to attend to. Stay.
Psst.
Small person.
Can you read?
For, like, four years. Can you?
Not at the moment, no.
Help. Come here.
I need you to read this for me.
Okay.
"My dearest Arthur. Listen up, you pampered prick."
Carry on.
"You now know where the tea bags are.
To operate kettle, press red button.
Milk in refrigerator.
That's the big box with the pretty light that comes on when you open the door.
It's not too late, Arthur. You can do anything under the sun.
All my deepest, fondest love.
I'm smiling down at you.
Or, more likely, up at you.
Forever and ever, H."
Are you crying?
That's a bride's job, to cry.
It's time to man up, Arthur.
Dearly beloved...
...we are gathered here today to join Arthur and Susan in matrimony.
Which is commended to be honorable among all men.
And therefore, is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly...
...but reverently, discreetly and solemnly.
Seems like a lot of adverbs. That seem like a lot of adverbs to you?
Shh, Arthur.
If any person can show just cause...
...why they may not be joined together...
...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
I object!
- To this wedding. - Arthur, you can't object. It's your wedding.
Is it my wedding? Because I think if it was, I'd know who all these people were.
I mean, who are you?
- I'm your best man. - I've never seen you befor...
- Actually, have I? I recognize you a bit. - I'm your mother's receptionist.
Oh, yeah, right. It's nice to see you.
But what about you two? Who's Abercrombie and who's Fitch?
And was there a bachelor party? I wasn't invited.
If there was, then I don't think I'd have enjoyed it. You look like squares.
And I've slept with three of them.
Not sure which three. I just... Statistically...
Susan, this isn't real.
This wedding is a sham. It's a wonderful sham wedding, but it's a sham.
We don't love each other.
Even you deserve better than this.
In fact, it was Abraham Lincoln who said, "Freedom..."
That's my little girl.
- You will marry me. - No, Susan. Abercrombie. Fitch.
I am the future of this company, and all I need is your goddamn last name.
- Hit him in the face. - No.
Stop.
Don't touch my son.
But Vivienne.
I think you've said enough.
Arthur, come here.
Are you certain about this?
Yes, I am.
It means giving up everything.
I'm happy to give up everything.
In fact, Vivienne, I can start giving up everything right now.
This, for example. Don't need that where I'm going.
Blue-collar district. This will look sarcastic.
I feel like I'm bound up like a little Japanese girl's foot.
I don't want that on anymore. Shackles, chaining me to wealth.
Bloody thing. Ugh.
This shirt, itchy.
I don't want it anymore.
I can assure all of you that after this...
...I will be nowhere near the Bach fund.
So your investments are on solid footing.
Excuse me. Don't let that detract from what I just said.
And finally...
Actually, um, these were a Christmas present from Hobson. I...
I think I'll hang onto them.
- I'm keeping this ring. I'm keeping this ring. - Yes.
Okay, well, uh, I'm going to be poor now.
So how'd it go?
Well, um, I'm very sorry, Bitterman, but I'm afraid you're out of a job.
Congratulations.
- Is there anywhere I could take you, sir? - Well, that's very sweet...
...but I've gotta get used to fending for myself now.
Could you hail me a cab, please?
Arthur.
- Once again, you've humiliated me. - Sorry.
But this time, I respect you for it.
You're stronger than I thought.
And you've shown me the truth about Susan.
Yeah, she's bloody evil, isn't she?
Oh.
- For the cab. - Oh.
Good luck in your life, Arthur.
A bit awkward.
We've got to get to Queens.
Do you know Queens?
It's full of traffic, isn't it?
Do you know Naomi?
Mazel tov, I'm looking for Naomi.
Naomi!
What?
Hello. I remembered. I remembered the bricks and the train.
I came in a taxi.
- You're wasted, Arthur. - No!
Well, yes. But that was only so I could get married.
- Oh, okay. - Naomi! I didn't go through with it.
Instead, I did the only rational thing, and I gave away all of my clothes.
Do you remember one word of the last conversation we had, Arthur?
- Yeah, we were going to build a secret door. - No. The other conversation.
I gave away billions of money for you.
You shouldn't have done that.
Naomi?
My mum's dead.
I know.
And I am so... I'm so, so sorry.
But...
...I can't be her replacement.
Okay.
I used to have in my apartment...
...a rather large, incredibly decadent magnetic bed.
Thought "This bed is gonna make me truly happy."
This is the one thing that my life requires, is a floating magnetic bed.
When I get that, I'll be happy. And my companion that evening was, um...
What's a euphemistic way to say it that doesn't sound unpleasant? Um...
A prostitute. And...
We tried to prize open the door of the fish tank...
...because we thought we could make a phone call.
Broke the door off of the fish tank.
The fish came flooding out. I nearly drowned.
It wasn't without its amusing moments, but it took a spiritual toll on me...
...and none of these phone boxes, nor magnetic beds could fill the hole within me.
I spent a lot of my life embarrassing my family and people that care about me.
But I've made amends with my mother now. As much as you can with a dragon.
I'm six months clean today.
Congratulations.
I think this is the most I've ever valued a coin.
Next.
Next in line, please.
That's 12.50.
Lady Liberty wrapped her giant green arms...
...around the Chrysler Building one last time.
And then she carefully walked back to her own island.
Even though they'll always live apart...
...they'll still stand a little taller and shine a little brighter...
...because they shared an adventure.
The end.
It's question time. Does anybody have any questions?
I have a question.
Does anybody mind if I tell another story?
- I mind. - Me too.
You sound like Harry Potter.
Yeah, well, is that a bad thing? He's a great wizard.
Listen, it's quite a good story, and if no one here minds...
Uh, excuse me, sorry.
- I'd really like the opportunity to tell it.
If that's okay, um...
Once upon a time, there was a prince. Handsome, he was.
He fell in love with a princess from Queens.
- Are you a girl or a boy? - Doesn't matter.
The fact is, he loved this princess so much...
...that he was prepared to give up his kingdom for her...
...but she turned him away.
- What a bitch. - She was not. Why would you say that?
She did the right thing, it turns out...
...because this prince had a little bit of a problem with...
...candy. He couldn't get enough candy.
- Do you mean drugs? - No. No. Where did you grow up?
- Meth? - No.
- Crack? - No. It was just booze.
Look, this isn't working. Okay.
What I came here to say to you, Naomi, is that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
And I'm sorry that I asked you to take care of me...
...when what I want more than anything in the world is to take care of you.
And I think that's the end of the story.
Ew!
Hey, what's wrong with you?
This is just two adults kissing in a room full of children.
So how's the real world treating you?
Oh, I've learned mostly that I should just try and live simply now.
- It's better for me. - What is this?
Bitterman! Why?
You said, "This is the girl I can buy back with a fleet of movie cars."
I said this is a girl I can't buy back with a fleet of movie cars.
- Oh. - Specifically, I said "can't."
Get rid of... Just get rid of them. It's embarrassing.
- So I guess your mother forgave you. - Yeah, yeah, you know.
I got my inheritance in return for running the Bach charity discreetly.
Should we just take the subway?
Which one's the fastest?
Through the park, please, Bitterman.
carrot was here